11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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