I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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