Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
