My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Semen is not good for contacts.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
