ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
