Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
