you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
