I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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