What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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