just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
