literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
