thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
