i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
