I smell stomach acid.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
