Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
