Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
