Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
