FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
