so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
