you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
