i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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