'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
