I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
