Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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