Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
