i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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