she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
