how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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