When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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