This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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