Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
