If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
