Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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