take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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