turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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