Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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