you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
