Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
