Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
