woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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