she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
