and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
