Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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