She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
