I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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