How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
