Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
