if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
