I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
