so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
